Game Warden vs. The Hillbilly

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license,and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Kentucky. This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck , sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You tell me. You're the expert."

Indian Humor

Indian Humor

A couple on the rez had been married for many years, and their son Bahe had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to dinner.

The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding.

However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, "Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot."

The father explained, "No Bahe, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman."

So Bahe dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, "Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!

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Why was the Christmas Pageant cancelled on the Indian Reservation?
"Because there were no wise men nor virgins to be found anywhere on the reservation"

What does a Navajo Man and Santa Claus have in common?
"They both have a big nose and work only once a year"

Why was the Easter Egg Hunt cancelled on the Reservation?
"Because all the powdered eggs blew away"

Why are Indian men like parking spaces?
"The good ones are taken and the ones left over are all handicapped"

An Indian with a very big belly went to the doctor.
The doctor looked at his belly and said "You should diet"

The Indian asked the doctor "What color?"

What did the Indian couple ask their divorce lawyer?
"Can we still be cousins?"

What do you call an Indian man without a woman?
"Homeless"

What do you call a white man surrounded by a bunch of Indians?
"A Bingo Caller"

What is a definition of confusion on the reservation?
"Father's Day"

Was Jesus American Indian?...

Was Jesus American Indian?...Black, Jewish, Italian, Irish, or Californian?

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He loved Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3 And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off thier ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "It's always the last place you look." Of course it is... why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick thier asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?"... No loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'New & Improved'! Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "Life is short"... What the hell? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here, dumbass?

The Guys Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

"365 Tips For Parents"

#001: Cut off the crusts.
#002: Make real cocoa.
#003: Hang their drawings on the fridge.
#004: Say the clay ashtray is what you always wanted.
#005: Sing silly songs.
#006: Make goofy faces.
#007: Let them take off the training wheels.
#008: Remind the Tooth Fairy about inflation.
#009: Buy a good stain remover.
#010: Let them keep the kitten.
#011: Remember when YOU misbehaved.
#012: If you don't know, say so.
#013: Let grandma spoil them.
#014: Let them stay up just a little bit longer.
#015: Lock up the good china.
#016: Tickle.
#017: Be a good sport.
#018: Be a good friend.
#019: Smile when your mother-in-law gives you advice.
#020: ALL mothers are working mothers.
#021: Ultimatums don't work.
#022: Bribes work.
#023: Hysteria will get you nowhere.
#024: Their first summer at camp is murder.
#025: Let them lick the spoon.
#026: Learn lots of lullabies.
#027: Breastfeeding in public goes over better in Europe.
#028: Learn to handle sleep deprivation.
#029: Have an answer ready for "Where do babies come from?"
#030: Don't flinch when they grow taller than you.
#031: Going to college don't mean they won't come back.
#032: Don't teach them to parallel park.
#033: Be consistent.
#034: Think quick.
#035: Improvise.
#036: Sympathize.
#037: Remember: It's just a phase.
#038: "Wait till your father gets home" is a cop-out.
#039: "Because I said so" is a good reason.
#040: Never tell them how much they'll inherit.
#041: Teach them four precious words: "We can't afford it.".
#042: Carry Wash'n Dri.
#043: Smile when you change that diaper.
#044: It's absolutely okay to say "No".
#045: Buy chunky peanut butter in jumbo jars.
#046: Run a credit line at the toy store.
#047: Forget suede.
#048: Teachers ARE underpaid.
#049: Learn the rules of football.
#050: Teach them to write thank you notes.
#051: Your teenage daughter WILL find you embarrassing.
#052: Cheese food is not cheese.
#053: Thirteen is too late to put them up for adoption.
#054: Potty training builds character (yours).
#055: Sibling rivalry builds character (theirs).
#056: Worry, worry, worry.
#057: Childbirth is not for wimps.
#058: Stretch marks are a badge of honor.
#059: Half your brain leaves with the placenta.
#060: Donate pre-pregnancy jeans to charity.
#061: Don't read the label on baby formula.
#062: With luck, they'll call you once a week when they leave.
#063: With luck, they won't call collect.
#064: With luck, they'll pay for their own therapy when grown.
#065: No matter what, they'll always be your babies.
#066: The older they get, the wiser you'll seem.
#067: Just when you've got them figured out, they change.
#068: Kiss it an make it better.
#069: Make ice cube popsicles.
#070: If you promised, do it.
#071: Watch what you promise.
#072: When in doubt, say "We'll see."
#073: Bunk beds are cool.
#074: You'll sometimes act just like YOUR mother.
#075: Buy Permapress.
#076: Use the honor system.
#077: You can only shoot so much videotape.
#078: Pose good questions.
#079: Colic happens.
#080: Cowlicks happen.
#081: Look what being a martyr got Joan of Arc.
#082: A dishwasher is not a luxury.
#083: The new math is harder than the old math.
#084: Let's hear it for leftovers.
#085: Don't leave their teddy bear behind.
#086: Learn to make daisy chains.
#087: Not everyone can be a valedictorian.
#088: They're never too old to scold.
#089: They're never too big to hug.
#090: They're never too smart to receive some good advice.
#091: They're never too rich to take home your leftovers.
#092: Don't remind your grown son you changed his diapers.
#093: If they grow up to be doctors, take the credit.
#094: If they grow up to be lawyers, don't take the blame.
#095: If they become pro-athletes, take the house & car.
#096: If they become politicians they were switched at birth.
#097: Don't teach the kids your fear of bugs.
#098: Take them to a petting zoo.
#099: Don't use a pediatrician who isn't a parent.
#100: You can never have too many Kleenex.
#101: Reserve the New Year's Eve babysitter on January 2.
#102: You can blame just about anything on teething.
#103: Some of the great minds of our time were bed wetters.
#104: Let someone else break the news about Santa Claus.
#105: Not everyone can win the Pillsbury Bake-Off.
#106: Iodine really DOES sting.
#107: Mother's Day comes but once a year--milk it.
#108: Adjust allowances for cost of living.
#109: Cookie dough is better than cookies.
#110: Don't let the kids forget Father's Day.
#111: Tie their mittens together.
#112: When they say they've got to go, stop!
#113: An unmade bed is easier to get into.
#114: Prove there's no monster under the bed.
#115: Hugs are the antidotes to nightmares.
#116: Don't put their favorite blankie in the wash.
#117: Disney World is not optional.
#118: A little fast food never killed anyone.
#119: They already know more about computers than you do.
#120: Even George Bush didn't eat his broccoli.
#121: Teach the kids to recycle.
#122: Someday your son will love another woman.
#123: When they leave home, you'll actually miss them.
#124: Whatever your age, you're too young to be a grandma.
#125: The more they tease you, the more you're loved.
#126: Always make their favorite dish when they visit.
#127: Believe it or not, SATs aren't everything.
#128: Yes, it's important they wear what their friends wear.
#129: Teenagers are SUPPOSED to dress goofy.
#130: Yes, we're all tired of dinosaurs.
#131: Anyone can make a secret special sauce.
#132: Buy them a globe.
#133: Socks and underwear are not gifts.
#134: Ear thermometers beat rectal any day.
#135: Hide old toys and reintroduce them next week.
#136: Bribe the babysitter with Hagen-Dazs.
#137: No matter what, your son will wind up with a toy gun.
#138: No matter what, your daughter will want Barbie.
#139: No matter what, you will memorize GOOD NIGHT MOON.
#140: Puberty was hell for you too.
#141: They'll always bring home their laundry.
#142: Courage.
#143: Grace doesn't count unless it's under pressure.
#144: Many geniuses were late bloomers.
#145: When you retire, feel free to spend their inheritance.
#146: Hold their hands during vaccinations.
#147: Look encouraging at the dentist.
#148: Don't give your son a crew cut.
#149: "Bambi" is too scary for five-year olds.
#150: Froot Loops are NOT a balanced meal.
#151: Yes, they need all sixty-four Crayolas.
#152: No, they can't have a pony.
#153: Chicken soup couldn't hurt.
#154: Keep the cookie jar full.
#155: Tuck them in.
#156: Add sound effects to the bedtime story.
#157: No, they REALLY can't have a pony.
#158: Gingerbread houses aren't worth the work.
#159: Tollhouse cookies ARE worth the work.
#160: Put plenty of icing on birthday cakes.
#161: Don't tell you helped blow out the candles.
#162: Kids give more gifts than they'll receive.
#163: Kids WILL drink straight from the carton.
#164: Look sad when the snowman melts.
#165: Kids prefer hot dogs to duck a l'orange.
#166: A sense of humor is a necessity.
#167: They don't call it women's intuition for nothing.
#168: Insist on short-haired dogs.
#169: Coax the cat out of the tree.
#170: For the last time, a pony is out!
#171: Sew name tags in their underwear.
#172: Be a den mother.
#173: Let your daughter have a training bra.
#174: Buy your share of EXPENSIVE Girl Scout cookies
#175: Cultivate the art of napping.
#176: Washable markers aren't.
#177: Help build a sandcastle.
#178: Let them make a fort out of boxes.
#179: Piano lessons aren't for everyone.
#180: Tell Dad to share the toy trains.
#181: Tell your daughter she CAN be a fire fighter.
#182: Host a slumber party.
#183: Don't hover.
#184: Childhood doesn't go as fast as they say.
#185: Don't make your twelve-year-old shop for underwear.
#186: Take snapshots on the first day of school.
#187: Help carve a pumpkin.
#188: Sail paper airplanes.
#189: Teach them to whistle.
#190: Volunteer for class trips.
#191: Join the PTA.
#192: Don't panic.
#193: Hunt for four-leaf clovers.
#194: Befriend other mothers.
#195: Don't let kids record answering machine messages.
#196: Scotchguard everything.
#197: There's a little Martha Stewart in all of us.
#198: Never use the check-out with the candy display.
#199: All car trip diversions last three minutes.
#200: Snowsuits induce the desire to go to the bathroom.
#201: Let them eat Oreos inside-out.
#202: Be ready when kids ask "What were the Beatles?".
#203: You did SO do that at their ages.
#204: The more solemn the moment, the louder they cry.
#205: Kids get dirty quicker on more important occasions.
#206: Don't take kids grocery shopping on empty stomachs.
#207: Forget your moral objections to pacifiers.
#208: Forbidden junk food will be eaten at neighbor's house.
#209: Prohibited TV shows will be watched at neighbor's home.
#210: Tell know-it-alls: Mind your own business.
#211: Put a lock on your bedroom door.
#212: Trust your instincts.
#213: Occasionally you WILL use the TV as a babysitter.
#214: If they won't clean their plates, use smaller plates.
#215: Pack school lunches with good trading items.
#216: There's a lot of wisdom in MAD magazine.
#217: Don't flush the fish.
#218: Let them eat cake.
#219: Let them eat animal crackers.
#220: Keep smiling.
#221: There's no escaping car pools.
#222: Yes, they'll need braces.
#223: Yes, they'll need stitches.
#224: Guilt is an art form.
#225: Curfews are made to be broken.
#226: Dry their tears.
#227: Play Name the State Capitals.
#228: Teach them to read maps.
#229: Do a jigsaw puzzle together.
#230: Ask only that they try their best.
#231: Your son's wife will not be pretty enough.
#232: Your daughter's husband will not earn enough.
#233: When they have kids, they'll REALLY appreciate you.
#234: Grandchildren are for spoiling.
#235: Transfer old home movies to video.
#236: Make lemonade from real lemons.
#237: It's your duty to brag.
#238: Point out that your granddaughter has your eyes.
#239: Be sure to mention that your grandson has your smile.
#240: Let your daughter think she's a better mother than you.
#241: When daughter's in labor don't say "Now you know.".
#242: Teenage daughters are hazardous to your health.
#243: Teenage sons are hazardous to their own health.
#244: How long CAN you put off the birds & bees lecture?
#245: How many times can you rewrite your will?
#246: Never buy retail.
#247: Cheer when they get their driver's licenses.
#248: Smile when they squash your Chevy.
#249: Send a care package to college.
#250: Resist the impulse to clean their dorm rooms.
#251: If they become Ivy Leaguers it's because of YOUR genes.
#252: If they're going to State, it's because of Dad's genes.
#253: Teach them to swim early.
#254: Insist on bike helmets.
#255: Learn CPR.
#256: Take them to the circus.
#257: Send an apple for the teacher.
#258: No blue hair.
#259: Remind them when it's your silver anniversary.
#260: Forbid them to put you in a nursing home.
#261: Threaten to haunt them from beyond the grave.
#262: Ask them for advice once in a while.
#263: Look humble when they say "How'd you do it, Mom?"
#264: Pass along your wedding dress to your daughter.
#265: Give Snickers at Halloween.
#266: Remember the names of their stuffed animals.
#267: Watch all the Peanuts TV specials.
#268: Buy industrial-size detergent boxes.
#269: Learn to say "Watch out!" with feeling.
#270: Buy them cool lunch boxes.
#271: Remain calm when you find your son's "Playboy".
#272: Remain calm when you find daughter's birth control.
#273: Your daughter's house will never be as clean as yours.
#274: Dance a tango at your child's wedding.
#275: Reminisce.
#276: Make their Halloween costumes.
#277: Play Scrabble with them.
#278: Play cards with them.
#279: Good news and bad: Anything can be a toy.
#280: Good news and bad: Before you know it, they're walking.
#281: Good news and bad: Before you know it, they're talking.
#282: Good news & bad: Before you know it they're in college.
#283: Keep a first-aid kit handy.
#284: You and Dad need a "Date Night".
#285: Let them make their own sundaes.
#286: Don't show their dates naked baby pictures.
#287: Traditions are important.
#288: Don't forget, each new kid is a tax deduction.
#289: Teach them to love libraries.
#290: Help start a stamp collection.
#291: Give pennies for piggy banks.
#292: Learn to love Trolls.
#293: Pray for a chicken pox vaccine.
#294: Don't insist on combing your daughter's hair in public.
#295: Try to get some breakfast in them.
#296: Ice cream still solves most problems.
#297: You can't praise a kid too much.
#298: Buy them a good dictionary.
#299: Let them have an aquarium.
#300: Shiny thing in driveway is your kid's new retainer.
#301: Always look before sitting.
#302: Have a snowball fight.
#303: Hold hands while crossing.
#304: Let them visit where you work.
#305: No matter what, they'll bring home colds from school.
#306: Remember what happened to Joan Crawford.
#307: Don't weep when the school bus takes them away.
#308: Attend school plays.
#309: Don't yell at Little League umpires.
#310: Junior High is traumatic.
#311: Everyone tries to get out of gym class.
#312: Before disciplining -- decompress.
#313: They'll outgrow their shoes before the laces get dirty.
#314: Let them play dress up.
#315: Learn to throw a baseball.
#316: Learn to catch a boomerang.
#317: If they created it at camp, put it on display.
#318: Food fights happen.
#319: Get washable wallpaper.
#320: Don't let them call you by your first name.
#321: They DO look cutest when they're sleeping.
#322: Tell ghost stories.
#323: Kids love antiheroes.
#324: Remember how your mother felt about Mick Jagger.
#325: Celebrate Velcro!
#326: Record their singing.
#327: She's all grown up when she stretches your sweater.
#328: You know your son's grown up when he blushes.
#329: Hang a tire swing.
#330: They'll eat paper and dirt and survive.
#331: If all else fails, take them to the video arcade.
#332: Let them get their ears pierced.
#333: Monster truck rallies can be educational.
#334: Let them play cowboy.
#335: Discourage them from tying up the babysitter.
#336: Don't hold up other people's children as role models.
#337: When they fall asleep in the stroller, don't move them.
#338: Show them photos of yourself as a child.
#339: Let's hear it for stereo headphones.
#340: Cartoons are a good way to learn classical music.
#341: Don't kiss teens in front of their friends.
#342: No credit cards until they graduate.
#343: Check before believing Dad said it was okay.
#344: Murphy's Law is true.
#345: Feel free to remind them of your labor pains.
#346: Sometimes you'll have to tell little white lies.
#347: Remember that you used Cliff Notes too.
#348: At least comic books mean they're reading.
#349: Disposable diapers are worth the guilt.
#350: Don't buy infant clothes without snaps.
#351: Clothes that fit just right are too small.
#352: Everybody's a critic.
#353: Get call waiting.
#354: If you have teenagers, get your own phone.
#355: You know more about chaos theory than most physicists.
#356: Grass stains are Mother Nature's way of saying "Hi".
#357: Nervous breakdowns-Nature saying "Take it easy.".
#358: Arrange to sleep in at least once a month.
#359: Know when enough is enough.
#360: Don't mention their zits.
#361: When technology is ready, clone yourself.
#362: Let your daughter wear your high heels.
#363: Admire your son's mustache even if you can't see it.
#364: Discourage grown kid's from writing a tell-all book.
#365: You'll never stop wondering if you did a good job.

Memories

A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone,
No need for recording things, someone was always home.

We only had a living room where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set, and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them with something worth the view.

For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked to cook,
And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book.

The snacks were even healthy with the best ingredients,
No labels with a hundred things that make not a bit of sense.

Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,
We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home because we liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were without our own cell phone.

Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare to watching movies in your car.

Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball -- and no game video.

Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?

The way that he took care of you or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you.

Remember going to the store and shopping casually,
And when you went to pay for it you used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount,
Remember when the cashier person had to really count?

Remember when we breathed the air; it smelled so fresh and clean,
And chemicals were not used on the grass to keep it green.

The milkman used to go from door to door,
And it was just a few cents more than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters came right to your door,
Without a lot of junk mail ads sent out by every store.

The mailman knew each house by name & knew where it was sent;
There were not loads of mail addressed to "present occupant."

Remember when the words "I do" meant that you really did,
And not just temporarily 'til someone blows their lid.

T'was no such thing as "no one's fault; we just made a mistake,"
There was a time when married life was built on give and take.

There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take,
And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile;
They were streamlined, white walls, fins, & really had some style.

One time the music that you played whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five.

The record player had a post to keep them all in line,
And then the records would drop down and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
And always we were striving, trying for a better way.

And every year that passed us by brought new and greater things,
We now can even program phones with music or with rings.

Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun,
How can you explain a game, just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes,
And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,
I love the new technology but I sure miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.

The Spoon

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket, it seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

Then I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

The XIII Pagan Commandments

I. Thou shall not commit to signing anything that declares any single person as thy lord and savior.

II. Thou shall not invoke thy Watchtowers only to say "never mind", nor shalt thou laugh at nekked snow sprites, especially if thou dwellest in Minnesota.

III. Thou shall not call coven only for laughs.

IV. Thou shall not get drunk with thy Goddess's wine.

V. Thou shall not sacrifice thy little sister.

VI. Thou shalt not turn thine ex into a frog; redundancy is such a waste. Likewise, thou shalt not turn thine ex into a pig, rat, or any other creature.

VII. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thine fellow Pagans, for thou shalt be caught and suffer the Three-fold penalty.

VIII. Thou shall not have the magickal name "Sir Stinky Fartsalot," for names have power.

IX. Thou shall not go running around proclaiming thy witchhood during burning times.

X. Thou shalt not terrorize the muggles, for what dost thou think generates burning times?

XI. Before thou proclaim possession of omnipotence at thy command and eternity at thy disposal, make thyself useful. Failing that, get a job, lest all laugh at thee.

XII. Thou shall not burn enough candles to burn thy house down.

XIII. Thou shall not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

10 Things to Do During Nascar Off-Season

So, another NASCAR season has taken the checkered flag, and you're already sitting around P.J. Jonesing for the start of next season? Well, worry not, race fan. Simply follow the advice from the following Top 10 list of Things to Do During NASCAR's Off-Season, and next season will be here before you know it.

Besides, isn't the "off-season" only like two weeks long anyway?

That's just long enough (we hope) for Tony Stewart to complete those long overdue anger-management classes. Now that he's got another coveted title, this is the perfect time for him to consult his Inner Tony. Or, not.

Anyway, on to the list:

Get in car or truck (or RV with favorite driver's number painted on sides, front, back and top) and drive around neighborhood until fuel gauge nears the "E." When fuel light comes on, speak into two- way headset and tell spouse you're about to "pit" at the nearest gas station. Pull into station (make sure you remember which side the gas cap is on). Begin pit procedure. Time yourself. Deduct five seconds for any spilled gas. Remember to pay for fuel. This is important.

Refer to spouse as your "crew chief" and kids as your "pit crew." Suggest family practice a "total pit change" on your car or truck as a bonding experience, complete with tire changes and your favorite beverage choice jammed in through driver's window on the end of a stick. Try not to run over any "crew members" (especially "crew chief"). Also, to be authentic, get in and out of vehicle Duke boys style, via the driver's window.

Begin watching the conclusion of the NFL season. Pick out favorite players based on their number and corresponding driver number from NASCAR lineup. Pretend each player is a race car, and each time they hit each other is like one of those highlight-reel collisions. As in racing, root for the biggest crash without causing injuries.

Wear a fireproof racing suit every Sunday. Yes, even to church. Ask minister to pray for your safety in the "Big Race" back home to watch football. Prepare for retaliatory bump if you cut off church's organ player in the parking lot.

Remember, it's not a riding lawnmower converted into a snow- removal device. It's your very own recreational racing vehicle, able to reach a top speed of 25 MPH in less than 30 seconds if you coax it enough. That's 5 MPH faster than the neighbor's contraption, and that's just fast enough.

Spend some time thinking up derogatory nicknames for rival drivers of your favorite guy. Thus, Derrick Cope becomes "Derelict Cope," and Dale Jarrett becomes "Dale Jarhead," and Ken Schrader becomes "Ken Fader." Work on different enunciations for standard derogatory nicknames such as Jeff "@#!!$%*" Gordon.

Seek out sponsorship deal for your vehicle. Tell prospective sponsors for the right price you will refer to it for a whole NASCAR season as the "Combo's Pretzel Bites" car or the "Whole Grain Cheerios" van. Offer to get appropriate paint job. Use money from sponsorship to buy race tickets. Also, stock up on cheap beer, sunscreen and a new "fold-up" chair with favorite driver's number on the back.

Take an art class at your nearest community activity center. While others paint portraits of fruit, you paint "Driverscapes." One could be a slanted, block "3" overlapping Dale Earnhardt's face to honor the one and only -- and dearly departed -- Intimidator. Another could be Kurt Busch, holding a frosty brew, giving a thumb's up sign to an officer whose squad car is painted like Jeff Gordon's Dupont car.

Get a dog. Name him "Rusty" in honor of now-retired Rusty Wallace. Shave a "2" into the sides and top of his fur-covered body, for authenticity. Sometimes refer to him as Rusty the "Miller Lite/ Penske Racing Canine."

Keep race-viewing eyes in tip-top shape. Travel to casino and head over to roulette wheel. Keep playing favorite driver's numbers, and carefully watch the little white ball go round and round the track, er, wheel.

Don't lose all your loot. You'll need it for next season, which we're told starts in approximately 45 minutes.

Ten Questions To Ask Yourself ...

Before Buying Burger King's New "Meat'Normous" Sandwich:

10. "How dangerous is four-digit cholesterol?"

9. "Am I comfortable using the word, 'meat'normous'?"

8. "Do I have $3.49 and a death wish?"

7. "Is that bigger than meat'gantic?"

6. "Does a massive coronary qualify as 'having it my way'?"

5. "Is this gonna spoil my breakfast dessert?"

4. "Should I ask my doctor about Lipitor?"

3. "Why do I have to sign a waiver?"

2. "Can I get it with egg whites?"

1. "Did Cheney like it?"

Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) You can do the whole neighborhood!

Why Men Are Happier Than Women

1. We keep our last name. {I did too for all of mine}

2. The garage is all ours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Chocolate is just another snack.

5. We can be president.

6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. {we can too, but rarely without incident}

7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.

8. The world is our urinal.

9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

10. Same work, more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character. {oh, is that what you are calling it now?}

12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them. {unless you're extremely hairy}

14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.

16. One mood, ALL the time. {yea, horney... or hungry}

17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

18. We know stuff about tanks.

19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

20. We can open all our own jars.

21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.

23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

24. Everything on our face stays its original color.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

27. We almost never have strap problems in public.

28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

30. We don't have to shave below our neck.

31. Our belly usually hides our big hips. {and other things}

32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.

34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

Writing Home With Ease

We understand college students have quite a busy life, writing home
should now be a piece of cake...



Dear Parents,

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.

Please send me:

__ Money - Cash Amount: _____
__ Food - Cookies Dozens: _____
__ Clean clothes!

Relationships:

__ What?
__ I am in love with myself.
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged.
__ I got married last weekend.

My Roommate:

__ Worships the ground I walk on.
__ Gave me a black eye.
__ Committed suicide and left a note blaming me.
__ Has fleas.

My Professors are:

__ Sadistic water walkers.
__ Mental institution escapees.
__ Brain dead nerds.
__ Super oxygen thieves.

Latest News:

__ I wrecked the car.
__ I can't use your credit card because I exceeded the credit limit.
__ You are going to have a grandchild.
__ False alarm--you aren't going to have a grandchild.

Food:

__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas and soda for the last twenty meals.
__ I stopped eating out of fear.

Grades:

__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester
__ I never knew they had a letter grade below F

I study:

__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ Eighty hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above

Daily Devotions:

__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can't read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at the local bar

On my last visit home, I left:

__ My glasses.
__ My paper that was due yesterday.
__ The clothes you washed for me.
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment.
__ Other ____________________________.

Please send items by FedEx, Priority One or UPS Blue.

Laundry:

__ My white underwear is now _______.
__ I am saving money by not using detergent.
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester.
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains.

My room:

__ Can pass your "white glove" test.
__ Is only ___% full.
__ Could not be located last Saturday night.
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training.

Parties:

__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven't been to one since this morning.

Hope you:

__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

Salutation:

__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,

You Know You Live on the Gulf Coast When...

• You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
• You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
• Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.
• You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.
• When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.
• Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
• You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
• You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
• The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
• You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
• You own more than three large coolers.
• You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane & not feel the least bit guilty about it.
• You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a gallon of gas to get there and back."
• You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer.
• Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
• You catch a 13-pound redfish in your driveway.
• You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.
• You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
• At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.
• You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
• There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
• You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work for the Weather Channel.
• Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
• Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
• Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
• Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
• You spend more time on your roof than in your living room.
• You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker.
• A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
• You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
• Your child's first words are "hunker down" and you didn't go to UGA!
• Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.
• Toilet Paper is elevated to "coin of the realm" at the shelters.
• You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side."
• Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
• You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.

You Know You Might Be Giving Pagans a Bad Name If...

1) You insist that your boss call you "Rowan Starchild" because otherwise you'd sue for religious harassment. (Score double for this if you don't let that patronizing dastard call you "Mr. or Ms. Starchild.")

2) You request Samhain, Beltaine, and Yule off and then gripe about working Christmas.

3) You expect your employer to exempt you from the random drug testing because of your religion.

4) You think the number of Wiccan books you own is far more important than the number you have read, regardless of the fact that most of your books are for beginners.

5) You've won an argument by referencing "Drawing Down the Moon," knowing darned good and well they haven't read it either.

6) You said it was bigotry when they didn't let you do that ritual in front of city hall. It had nothing to do with the skyclad bit.

7) You picketed The Craft and Hocus Pocus , but thought that the losers who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives.

8) You've ever had to go along with someone's ludicrous story because it was twice as likely to be true than most of the nonsense you spout.

9) You complain about how much the Native Americans copied from Eclectic Wiccan Rites.

10) You've ever referenced the Great Rite in a pick-up line.

11) Someone has had to point out to you that you do not enter a circle "in perfect love and perfect lust." (Score double if you argued the point.)

12) You claim yourself as a witch because how early you were trained by the wise and powerful such-and-such of whom nobody has heard.

13) You claim to be a famtrad (hereditary), but you're not. (Score double if you had to tell people you were adopted to pull this off.)

14) You claim to be a descendant of one of the original Salem Witches. (Score to a lethal degree if you don't get this one.)

15) You think it's perfectly reasonable to insist that, since every tradition is different, and no one tradition is right, there's no reason not to do things your way.

16) You've ever been psychically attacked by someone who conveniently held a coven position you crave, and suddenly had a glimpse into their mind so you could see how evil they were.

17) You've ever affected an Irish or Scottish accent and insisted that it was real.

18) You think it's your Pagan Duty to support the IRA, not because of any political beliefs you might share, but because, dammit, they're Irish .

19) You talk to your invisible guardians in public. (Score double if you have met the Vampire Lestat or Dracula, triple if you got into a fight and escaped, or quadruple if it was no contest.)

20) You've ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede.

21) You've ever tried something you saw on "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch"

22) You've suddenly realized in the middle of a ritual that you weren't playing D&D.

23) You've failed to realize at any point in the ritual that you weren't playing D&D.

24) You've suddenly realized that you are playing D&D

You know you're overdoing Halloween when...

• you're pestered all year by kids who want to know what the theme for THIS year is.
• you find yourself thinking that one corpse is more attractive than another.
• you get more excited over a fog machine than a new car.
• you have more help at your haunt than necessary for an old-fashioned barn raising.
• you have more than ten sound effect CD's.
• you have names for the skeletons in your closet
• you play spooky music all year round.
• you spend more on one Halloween than on your entire wedding. {considering the weddings I have had, that is definitly true}
• you spend more on one Halloween than on your spouse for the entire year.
• you spend more on one Halloween than on buying birthday presents for your children.
• you try to make Fido look like a hellhound every Halloween. {his name is Buster & I couldn't find an outfit to fit his short but fat body}
• your neighbors look slantwise at you and avoid you all of October. {not just october}
• your storage areas only contain Halloween props.
• the only candelabra you own is in a spider web motif.
• there a monster under your bed because all the other storage areas are full.
• your electric bill is higher in October than in December.
• the family dog ignores masked people breaking into your house.
• you see haunt possibilities with every road kill.
• instead of giving your child a pet you give them a gargoyle to play with.
• when your neighbors are asked about Halloween, they roll their eyes and point at your house.
• the guy at the paint counter at the hardware store sees you coming and starts stacking gallons of flat black on the counter.
• you can't watch a horror movie without jotting down ideas every two minutes.
• you're nervous about taking rolls of film in to be developed, for fear the developer will tell the police to go to your house looking for the corpses that he told them about.
• you have a room in your house reserved for special props/projects. Thus, you won't allow anyone in there because it'll "spoil the Halloween surprise!"
• you scare other family members or neighbors regularly, often without meaning to. {that's an understatement}
• your ideal pet would be a black cat, tarantula, snake, bat, or rat. {shoot, missing the tarantula}
• people refuse to walk into your house at night.
• people refuse to walk into your house in broad daylight!
• you have a customized license plate that has a Halloween idea.
• you start actually setting up your yard haunt in August and don't get it all down until almost Christmas...
• you still aren't finished on Halloween, but it'll do. [Gotta start earlier next year.]
• you cannot throw anything away that could even possibly be used to scare someone. [Even if you don't know how it will be used yet.]
• you judge homes by how well a haunt could be set up in them.
• the man in the white coat is afraid to come in your yard. {and he should be too *eg*}
• your children turn their bedroom into a giant spider web by stringing yarn everywhere and pretend to attack when someone gets tangled in it.
• your 4 year old announces to the class that he wants to be a vampire when he grows up.
  your toddler's first word is "Boo". {still says it and he's 9 now}
• the Kids hiss at each other and make claws with their hands when they fight.
• your teenager wants his own coffin. {not before I get mine though}
• "Addams Family" books are the most commonly read children's books at your house.
• you think your kids are well adjusted. {unfortunetly the rest of the neighborhood doesn't}