The Spoon

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket, it seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

Then I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

The XIII Pagan Commandments

I. Thou shall not commit to signing anything that declares any single person as thy lord and savior.

II. Thou shall not invoke thy Watchtowers only to say "never mind", nor shalt thou laugh at nekked snow sprites, especially if thou dwellest in Minnesota.

III. Thou shall not call coven only for laughs.

IV. Thou shall not get drunk with thy Goddess's wine.

V. Thou shall not sacrifice thy little sister.

VI. Thou shalt not turn thine ex into a frog; redundancy is such a waste. Likewise, thou shalt not turn thine ex into a pig, rat, or any other creature.

VII. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thine fellow Pagans, for thou shalt be caught and suffer the Three-fold penalty.

VIII. Thou shall not have the magickal name "Sir Stinky Fartsalot," for names have power.

IX. Thou shall not go running around proclaiming thy witchhood during burning times.

X. Thou shalt not terrorize the muggles, for what dost thou think generates burning times?

XI. Before thou proclaim possession of omnipotence at thy command and eternity at thy disposal, make thyself useful. Failing that, get a job, lest all laugh at thee.

XII. Thou shall not burn enough candles to burn thy house down.

XIII. Thou shall not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

10 Things to Do During Nascar Off-Season

So, another NASCAR season has taken the checkered flag, and you're already sitting around P.J. Jonesing for the start of next season? Well, worry not, race fan. Simply follow the advice from the following Top 10 list of Things to Do During NASCAR's Off-Season, and next season will be here before you know it.

Besides, isn't the "off-season" only like two weeks long anyway?

That's just long enough (we hope) for Tony Stewart to complete those long overdue anger-management classes. Now that he's got another coveted title, this is the perfect time for him to consult his Inner Tony. Or, not.

Anyway, on to the list:

Get in car or truck (or RV with favorite driver's number painted on sides, front, back and top) and drive around neighborhood until fuel gauge nears the "E." When fuel light comes on, speak into two- way headset and tell spouse you're about to "pit" at the nearest gas station. Pull into station (make sure you remember which side the gas cap is on). Begin pit procedure. Time yourself. Deduct five seconds for any spilled gas. Remember to pay for fuel. This is important.

Refer to spouse as your "crew chief" and kids as your "pit crew." Suggest family practice a "total pit change" on your car or truck as a bonding experience, complete with tire changes and your favorite beverage choice jammed in through driver's window on the end of a stick. Try not to run over any "crew members" (especially "crew chief"). Also, to be authentic, get in and out of vehicle Duke boys style, via the driver's window.

Begin watching the conclusion of the NFL season. Pick out favorite players based on their number and corresponding driver number from NASCAR lineup. Pretend each player is a race car, and each time they hit each other is like one of those highlight-reel collisions. As in racing, root for the biggest crash without causing injuries.

Wear a fireproof racing suit every Sunday. Yes, even to church. Ask minister to pray for your safety in the "Big Race" back home to watch football. Prepare for retaliatory bump if you cut off church's organ player in the parking lot.

Remember, it's not a riding lawnmower converted into a snow- removal device. It's your very own recreational racing vehicle, able to reach a top speed of 25 MPH in less than 30 seconds if you coax it enough. That's 5 MPH faster than the neighbor's contraption, and that's just fast enough.

Spend some time thinking up derogatory nicknames for rival drivers of your favorite guy. Thus, Derrick Cope becomes "Derelict Cope," and Dale Jarrett becomes "Dale Jarhead," and Ken Schrader becomes "Ken Fader." Work on different enunciations for standard derogatory nicknames such as Jeff "@#!!$%*" Gordon.

Seek out sponsorship deal for your vehicle. Tell prospective sponsors for the right price you will refer to it for a whole NASCAR season as the "Combo's Pretzel Bites" car or the "Whole Grain Cheerios" van. Offer to get appropriate paint job. Use money from sponsorship to buy race tickets. Also, stock up on cheap beer, sunscreen and a new "fold-up" chair with favorite driver's number on the back.

Take an art class at your nearest community activity center. While others paint portraits of fruit, you paint "Driverscapes." One could be a slanted, block "3" overlapping Dale Earnhardt's face to honor the one and only -- and dearly departed -- Intimidator. Another could be Kurt Busch, holding a frosty brew, giving a thumb's up sign to an officer whose squad car is painted like Jeff Gordon's Dupont car.

Get a dog. Name him "Rusty" in honor of now-retired Rusty Wallace. Shave a "2" into the sides and top of his fur-covered body, for authenticity. Sometimes refer to him as Rusty the "Miller Lite/ Penske Racing Canine."

Keep race-viewing eyes in tip-top shape. Travel to casino and head over to roulette wheel. Keep playing favorite driver's numbers, and carefully watch the little white ball go round and round the track, er, wheel.

Don't lose all your loot. You'll need it for next season, which we're told starts in approximately 45 minutes.

Ten Questions To Ask Yourself ...

Before Buying Burger King's New "Meat'Normous" Sandwich:

10. "How dangerous is four-digit cholesterol?"

9. "Am I comfortable using the word, 'meat'normous'?"

8. "Do I have $3.49 and a death wish?"

7. "Is that bigger than meat'gantic?"

6. "Does a massive coronary qualify as 'having it my way'?"

5. "Is this gonna spoil my breakfast dessert?"

4. "Should I ask my doctor about Lipitor?"

3. "Why do I have to sign a waiver?"

2. "Can I get it with egg whites?"

1. "Did Cheney like it?"

Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) You can do the whole neighborhood!

Why Men Are Happier Than Women

1. We keep our last name. {I did too for all of mine}

2. The garage is all ours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Chocolate is just another snack.

5. We can be president.

6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. {we can too, but rarely without incident}

7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.

8. The world is our urinal.

9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

10. Same work, more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character. {oh, is that what you are calling it now?}

12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them. {unless you're extremely hairy}

14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.

16. One mood, ALL the time. {yea, horney... or hungry}

17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

18. We know stuff about tanks.

19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

20. We can open all our own jars.

21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.

23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

24. Everything on our face stays its original color.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

27. We almost never have strap problems in public.

28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

30. We don't have to shave below our neck.

31. Our belly usually hides our big hips. {and other things}

32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.

34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

Writing Home With Ease

We understand college students have quite a busy life, writing home
should now be a piece of cake...



Dear Parents,

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.

Please send me:

__ Money - Cash Amount: _____
__ Food - Cookies Dozens: _____
__ Clean clothes!

Relationships:

__ What?
__ I am in love with myself.
__ I am in love!
__ I am engaged.
__ I got married last weekend.

My Roommate:

__ Worships the ground I walk on.
__ Gave me a black eye.
__ Committed suicide and left a note blaming me.
__ Has fleas.

My Professors are:

__ Sadistic water walkers.
__ Mental institution escapees.
__ Brain dead nerds.
__ Super oxygen thieves.

Latest News:

__ I wrecked the car.
__ I can't use your credit card because I exceeded the credit limit.
__ You are going to have a grandchild.
__ False alarm--you aren't going to have a grandchild.

Food:

__ Is great!
__ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
__ I have had pizzas and soda for the last twenty meals.
__ I stopped eating out of fear.

Grades:

__ I am making all A's
__ I am not being properly challenged
__ I will be home after this semester
__ I never knew they had a letter grade below F

I study:

__ Night and day
__ All the time
__ Eighty hours a week
__ Only on Sunday afternoon
__ None of the above

Daily Devotions:

__ I read my Bible everyday
__ I can't read
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at the local bar

On my last visit home, I left:

__ My glasses.
__ My paper that was due yesterday.
__ The clothes you washed for me.
__ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment.
__ Other ____________________________.

Please send items by FedEx, Priority One or UPS Blue.

Laundry:

__ My white underwear is now _______.
__ I am saving money by not using detergent.
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester.
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains.

My room:

__ Can pass your "white glove" test.
__ Is only ___% full.
__ Could not be located last Saturday night.
__ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training.

Parties:

__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ Haven't been to one since this morning.

Hope you:

__ Miss me
__ Can live without me
__ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

Salutation:

__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,

You Know You Live on the Gulf Coast When...

• You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
• You have more than 300 C and D batteries in your kitchen drawer.
• Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti Os.
• You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering your windows.
• When describing your house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and one safe hallway.
• Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
• You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
• You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
• The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
• You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
• You own more than three large coolers.
• You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane & not feel the least bit guilty about it.
• You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a gallon of gas to get there and back."
• You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in your freezer.
• Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
• You catch a 13-pound redfish in your driveway.
• You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.
• You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
• At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.
• You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
• There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
• You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work for the Weather Channel.
• Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
• Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
• Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
• Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
• You spend more time on your roof than in your living room.
• You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree worker.
• A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
• You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
• Your child's first words are "hunker down" and you didn't go to UGA!
• Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.
• Toilet Paper is elevated to "coin of the realm" at the shelters.
• You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side."
• Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
• You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.

You Know You Might Be Giving Pagans a Bad Name If...

1) You insist that your boss call you "Rowan Starchild" because otherwise you'd sue for religious harassment. (Score double for this if you don't let that patronizing dastard call you "Mr. or Ms. Starchild.")

2) You request Samhain, Beltaine, and Yule off and then gripe about working Christmas.

3) You expect your employer to exempt you from the random drug testing because of your religion.

4) You think the number of Wiccan books you own is far more important than the number you have read, regardless of the fact that most of your books are for beginners.

5) You've won an argument by referencing "Drawing Down the Moon," knowing darned good and well they haven't read it either.

6) You said it was bigotry when they didn't let you do that ritual in front of city hall. It had nothing to do with the skyclad bit.

7) You picketed The Craft and Hocus Pocus , but thought that the losers who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives.

8) You've ever had to go along with someone's ludicrous story because it was twice as likely to be true than most of the nonsense you spout.

9) You complain about how much the Native Americans copied from Eclectic Wiccan Rites.

10) You've ever referenced the Great Rite in a pick-up line.

11) Someone has had to point out to you that you do not enter a circle "in perfect love and perfect lust." (Score double if you argued the point.)

12) You claim yourself as a witch because how early you were trained by the wise and powerful such-and-such of whom nobody has heard.

13) You claim to be a famtrad (hereditary), but you're not. (Score double if you had to tell people you were adopted to pull this off.)

14) You claim to be a descendant of one of the original Salem Witches. (Score to a lethal degree if you don't get this one.)

15) You think it's perfectly reasonable to insist that, since every tradition is different, and no one tradition is right, there's no reason not to do things your way.

16) You've ever been psychically attacked by someone who conveniently held a coven position you crave, and suddenly had a glimpse into their mind so you could see how evil they were.

17) You've ever affected an Irish or Scottish accent and insisted that it was real.

18) You think it's your Pagan Duty to support the IRA, not because of any political beliefs you might share, but because, dammit, they're Irish .

19) You talk to your invisible guardians in public. (Score double if you have met the Vampire Lestat or Dracula, triple if you got into a fight and escaped, or quadruple if it was no contest.)

20) You've ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede.

21) You've ever tried something you saw on "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch"

22) You've suddenly realized in the middle of a ritual that you weren't playing D&D.

23) You've failed to realize at any point in the ritual that you weren't playing D&D.

24) You've suddenly realized that you are playing D&D

You know you're overdoing Halloween when...

• you're pestered all year by kids who want to know what the theme for THIS year is.
• you find yourself thinking that one corpse is more attractive than another.
• you get more excited over a fog machine than a new car.
• you have more help at your haunt than necessary for an old-fashioned barn raising.
• you have more than ten sound effect CD's.
• you have names for the skeletons in your closet
• you play spooky music all year round.
• you spend more on one Halloween than on your entire wedding. {considering the weddings I have had, that is definitly true}
• you spend more on one Halloween than on your spouse for the entire year.
• you spend more on one Halloween than on buying birthday presents for your children.
• you try to make Fido look like a hellhound every Halloween. {his name is Buster & I couldn't find an outfit to fit his short but fat body}
• your neighbors look slantwise at you and avoid you all of October. {not just october}
• your storage areas only contain Halloween props.
• the only candelabra you own is in a spider web motif.
• there a monster under your bed because all the other storage areas are full.
• your electric bill is higher in October than in December.
• the family dog ignores masked people breaking into your house.
• you see haunt possibilities with every road kill.
• instead of giving your child a pet you give them a gargoyle to play with.
• when your neighbors are asked about Halloween, they roll their eyes and point at your house.
• the guy at the paint counter at the hardware store sees you coming and starts stacking gallons of flat black on the counter.
• you can't watch a horror movie without jotting down ideas every two minutes.
• you're nervous about taking rolls of film in to be developed, for fear the developer will tell the police to go to your house looking for the corpses that he told them about.
• you have a room in your house reserved for special props/projects. Thus, you won't allow anyone in there because it'll "spoil the Halloween surprise!"
• you scare other family members or neighbors regularly, often without meaning to. {that's an understatement}
• your ideal pet would be a black cat, tarantula, snake, bat, or rat. {shoot, missing the tarantula}
• people refuse to walk into your house at night.
• people refuse to walk into your house in broad daylight!
• you have a customized license plate that has a Halloween idea.
• you start actually setting up your yard haunt in August and don't get it all down until almost Christmas...
• you still aren't finished on Halloween, but it'll do. [Gotta start earlier next year.]
• you cannot throw anything away that could even possibly be used to scare someone. [Even if you don't know how it will be used yet.]
• you judge homes by how well a haunt could be set up in them.
• the man in the white coat is afraid to come in your yard. {and he should be too *eg*}
• your children turn their bedroom into a giant spider web by stringing yarn everywhere and pretend to attack when someone gets tangled in it.
• your 4 year old announces to the class that he wants to be a vampire when he grows up.
  your toddler's first word is "Boo". {still says it and he's 9 now}
• the Kids hiss at each other and make claws with their hands when they fight.
• your teenager wants his own coffin. {not before I get mine though}
• "Addams Family" books are the most commonly read children's books at your house.
• you think your kids are well adjusted. {unfortunetly the rest of the neighborhood doesn't}