The XIII Pagan Commandments

I. Thou shall not commit to signing anything that declares any single person as thy lord and savior.

II. Thou shall not invoke thy Watchtowers only to say "never mind", nor shalt thou laugh at nekked snow sprites, especially if thou dwellest in Minnesota.

III. Thou shall not call coven only for laughs.

IV. Thou shall not get drunk with thy Goddess's wine.

V. Thou shall not sacrifice thy little sister.

VI. Thou shalt not turn thine ex into a frog; redundancy is such a waste. Likewise, thou shalt not turn thine ex into a pig, rat, or any other creature.

VII. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thine fellow Pagans, for thou shalt be caught and suffer the Three-fold penalty.

VIII. Thou shall not have the magickal name "Sir Stinky Fartsalot," for names have power.

IX. Thou shall not go running around proclaiming thy witchhood during burning times.

X. Thou shalt not terrorize the muggles, for what dost thou think generates burning times?

XI. Before thou proclaim possession of omnipotence at thy command and eternity at thy disposal, make thyself useful. Failing that, get a job, lest all laugh at thee.

XII. Thou shall not burn enough candles to burn thy house down.

XIII. Thou shall not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.